3:14- May 25/26
Well, I’m inspired to write due to reading my friend Charlotte’s blog. I usually don’t use this for personal writing, well, or at all. I used to have this grand idea of what I wanted this to be, and it became it for a while. Yet, with everything I do time passes and things never quite materialize to the point of where I envision them. It’s why I give up so easily, I spend so much time saying, “tomorrow.”
What If Tomorrow never comes? That is the question that is looming on my mind, it’s why I spend so many sleepless nights sitting and staring at nothing. re-watching TV shows, watching movies. I used to watch these things as art, almost as if they were the compass that would help guide me into the life I envisioned. Now they just become entertainment, or worse; they have become a way to pass the time. What am I doing? I really don’t know. I also don’t know if writing this is helping at all.
Honestly, I don’t have much right now. I live in a house that is fine, it works. I work a job that while I love it. Is not where I envisioned myself at 28, barely able to afford living. I really can’t. This bothers me, on two levels; the first being that I am incapable of knowing what it means to be an adult, to have a finances/budget/clean room/relationships/a sense of purpose outside of a dream. The second thing that bothers me; the thing that I have been trying to fight against my whole life is the society that said- This is the way. I have always wanted to prove that you don’t need to follow the ABC plans of how to succeed. For along time I always thought that my life would be an example of how one can be happy by bucking the trends, and following your own path. What if I resisted the “path” of American society; not out of a real want to change anything, but because I had no idea how to do it, and instead of searching for help, I said it was wrong and that there was a better way. What If I did that just because I was scared.
I’ve left a lot of good things, from being scared.
I have this realization that my life is falling apart. I thought escaping California was the answer. Maybe there is no answer? Maybe until I die I will stay up until 5 AM.
I am so alone. I want to write about loves I’ve had, I want to write about the girl who I left in a dorm room, the girl who had this beautiful relationship with a God, that I can’t understand. I used to think I understood, and I often find myself talking to this figure, I don’t know what I believe in context of spirituality, religion, faith, or even myself. I have no idea how to do anything. I am envious of your faith, and the fact, even though you struggle, it has not wavered. And you are now happily married and on the path that you set yourself out to be on. I know you believed that I was a part of it. Still,I know that my personal turmoil would have caused you a pain that I am grateful you’ve never had to burden or carry the weight. It does not mean, I am not jealous of the man who you call your husband. I am.
I keep this blog up because I know you used to read. And I know that you pray for me. I need this. Even if I resist, fail, and never understand the God you used to praise with me. At the time I believed the same, and every emotion we shared was a truth. I recognize this as a truth. Still even then I was shirking responsibility on my way towards adult hood.
Now 6 years later. I feel lost. I know, I must change things myself. I don’t know how, and I have a feeling. I will be on my forever. I accept that. Maybe it’s supposed to be that way. It’s hard. It’s hard waking up every day and feeling like a failure.
I’m writing this for me. Though I keep the pictures of the ducks up, 42 of them. Because they remind me of two hopes; one, that maybe you still read this to catch up on my life. Two, perhaps I can do something with my life that means something.
I’m not sure. All I have is hope. I won’t say that I will start changing my life tomorrow, it’s a promise I can’t make. Still, something has to change.
Call me soon, let’s talk.
<3